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issue #5

This month, Girls and Corpses Magazine sits down and talks to two very sexy woman, Lady Death and Corpse Bride, about what it's like to be young, hot, and...a mortician!

So pull up a coffin, and crack open a cold one, because we are going to find out about the real life "Girls and Corpses".

G&C: First off, thank you both for leaving the corpses for a few moments and sitting down to chat with us.

LD & CB: Thanks for having us.

G&C: Now, when I think of the quintessential mortician, I picture the Tall Man from Phantasm or maybe that creepy old guy from Poltergeist 2, but you two really break that stereotype... you're Hot! What made you want to become involved in the Funeral Industry?

LD: I honestly became involved in this industry because I don't like people very much. I'm just not very social. Just stick me in the back with a dead person and leave me be. It also fascinates me. I get bored easily and with this job you never know what to expect.

CB: I wanted to be a Doctor, but I didn't have the time or the money to go to med school. So after college, I decided to go to Mortuary School.

G&C: Anti-Social + Short Attention Span= working with corpses. You know, that describes us at Girls and Corpses Magazine! Now for those of us that have never peeked in the back room at a mortuary, what typically happens to a body once it's brought in?

LD: Once a body is brought in, it's tagged and given a case number. Then, depending on the family's wishes, the body is embalmed, cleaned, dressed and casketed.

CB: Our is a little different. First we take the body off the stretcher and put it onto a metal prep table. We don't embalm because we're Jewish, so we call the local "Chevra Kadisha". The Chevra Kadisha is a group of very religious people who perform what is known as the "Tahara". A Tahara is the traditional Jewish washing ceremony of the deceased. Only women are allowed to wash women and only men are allowed to wash men. So I don't do any prepping really. I'm not even allowed in the room when a Tahara is being performed. After the Tahara is over, I set the features (closing the mouth with a suture, setting the eyes). I then dress the bodies, put them in their casket and then add cosmetics.

G&C: Have either of you ever encountered a weird or creepy situation at work?

LD: Hmmm...that's a hard one. One time I was on the computer and I heard moaning and talking in the cooler where the dead are kept. I was alone at the time, so I thought it was strange. I didn't want to open the cooler and find out what it was, so I left and went outside for a while.

CB: I had a similar situation happen to me. Usually I work alone with no one else in the building. One day I was in the prep room preparing a body and I heard a muffled scream right next to me. I stopped what I was doing, put the body back in the fridge, and bolted up the stairs!

G&C: Moaning and talking in the freezer where the dead are kept....sounds like the corpses are horny! Either that or you have some ghosts hanging around waiting to check out their own funeral. Speaking of which, ever see any weird or unusual funerals?

LD: I have never been to a funeral. I work in the back preparing the dead and besides, I don't think anyone would allow me at a funeral looking the way I do. I have heard stories of casket jumpers though. They're the people who jump into the caskets and try to "Wake Up" their loved one... it can get wild!

CB: I can't think of anything unusual. Maybe it's because nothing really phases me.

G&C: At Girls and Corpses Magazine, we love hearses. I know for a fact, that given a chance, our Deaditor-in-Chief would love to take one through a drive-through or a car wash. What about you? Any hearse road trip stories you would like to share?

LD: Ha Ha, oh yes! After one of our many Hurricanes, I had to take the hearse to the gas station and fill it up. They were rationing gas at the time and you had to wait sometimes 7 or 8 hours in line until you made it up to the pumps. I decided to put an empty casket in the back, thinking that they would let me cut to the front of the line, it didn't work. Another time my removal partner and I picked up a big stinky decomp and decided to get something to eat on the way back. We went through the McDonalds drive-through and when the lady came to the window, she complained about the smell! We ate our food on the way back to the medical examiners office with the smell of burgers and death creeping up our nose.

G&C: Wow, if you had gone through a Taco Bell, you could have asked for some Carne Muerta!

CB: I've never taken a hearse through a drive-through, but I have taken one through a car wash. Quite often, actually. The car wash guys think it's cute when I bring her through.

G&C: I know some people down at the L.A. Dept of Coroner and they have a really sick sense of humor. You know, like calling a body in a body bag a "Corpse Burrito". What about at a funeral home? Do they really put the "Fun" back into funeral? Any practical jokes you can share with us?

LD: Well at my funeral home, people are a little uptight. Sometimes the embalmer may nickname a body or make a little joke. At the medical examiners office, we had more fun. One time we had a guy on the table with webbed toes, so they called him Aqua Man. But in the funeral industry we always respect the dead.

CB: I agree. We do have a strange sense of humor though, and are often very cynical because it's the only way to deal with the job sometimes.

G&C: I read an interesting quote by Jacquie Taylor, President of the San Francisco College of Mortuary Science. According to her, Necrophilia is almost unheard of in her profession. What do you think? I bet when Marilyn Monroe was brought into the funeral home, someone later went home with workplace bragging rights! Let's cut to the chase, are morticians fucking corpses?

LD: Ha 'Ha...well, Ive never heard or seen it. It's easier for a guy to defile a corpse than it is for a girl. The cock stiffens from blood, so when a man dies, the cock goes soft. Also, there is no muscle to stiffen from rigor mortis. But, I do have to say if I had Tommy Lee roll in....I might try something..LOL.

G&C: Well, there's always the Trocar (a large hollow needle used to suction fluids from corpses). You could push it up inside a male cadaver's dick...instant hard on!

CB: Oh Hell no! I don't care how attractive the person was in life, corpses are not beautiful. Decomposition happens faster than most people think and certain things go bad really fast.

G&C: Is death sexy?

LD: NO NO NO...Death is not sexy at all. First off, you're lying on a table butt ass naked for all the world to see. Plus, the dead always have some weird expression on their face..it's just a very unnatural look.

CB: I have to agree. Death is neither sexy or romantic. It is mysterious and I suppose left to the imagination, it can be confused with sexiness...as with anything really.

G&C: What about hanky panky at work? Ever get jiggy in a coffin? I know you both must have had cemetery sex. Have you?

LD: Hmmm...well...Yes...quite a few times. I have had sex just about everywhere at a "previous" job. Let's see, on a tombstone, at my dispatch desk while trying to dispatch over the Nextel and of course, the cemetery. Most guys won't do that though, they think it's too strange.

G&C: We don't think it's strange! (hint hint)

CB: HA HA. Yes, I've done it quite a few times as well. But not with co-workers, that would be just disgusting.

G&C: Do you two feel that your choice of profession affects your personal life?

LD: In what way?

G&C: Well, as in meeting people for the first time. Do people shy away from you when they find out what you do for a living? Or, what about dating? Are guys cool with it or does it freak them out?

LD: Yes, absolutely, my choice of profession does affect my dating and social life. Guys think it's gross when they find out what I do, as do most people I meet. My ex used to complain about me smelling like death when I came home from work. He would give me a hug and then complain that the smell was in my hair. Some people seem curious, but when I talk about it, they think I'm some strange freak for doing what I do. Oh well, I love it.

CB: I myself try not to mention my line of work to people. I find that it does not make people shy away, it makes them ask me a plethora of stupid questions. And, I would really rather not talk about my line of work when I'm at a club trying to enjoy myself. As far as dating, it never really posed a problem. In fact, I'm married. I was a mortuary student when I met my husband. He thought it was pretty bitchin!

G&C: Do you find that being around death all the time, that you enjoy life all the more, or do you find it depressing?

CB: Quite honestly, I find it can really get me down sometimes. I do love my life however and I love my family.

LD: I think I'm neutral to the idea of life and death. It doesn't depress me and on the other side of the coin, it doesn't make me love life any more than I normally would. However, I always wear my seatbelt now, after seeing so many car accident victims. I don't look forward to lying on a table naked for anyone to poke and probe, but it's a part of dying...unless of course it's sexual and I'm alive to enjoy it...ha ha...

G&C: Oh, you naughty girl. I now have some rigor mortis you might have to take care of!

G&C: So, do you think that the Mortuary Science Industry is ready for Girls and Corpses Magazine? Who knows, maybe one day a Girls and Corpses wall calendar will hang prominently in every embalming room in the country.

CB: I hope they're ready. The industry needs as much humor as it can get!

LD: I know I would love to have a Girls and Corpses calendar on my wall in the embalming room. I think a lot of embalming rooms would like that... unless of course the embalmer is gay. For some reason there are a lot of gay people in the industry.

G&C: Hmm, kind of gives new meaning to the term "Knock back a stiff one".

G&C: Thank you both for talking with us. And for the record, if I end up on either of your tables...you can have your way with me. That's what I call going out with a bang!


Interview by Kevin Klemm

© 2006 Girls And Corpses.com